Sunday, January 30, 2011



Are you going to be okay tomorrow?

Will you miss nursing during the day?

Will you miss pulling yourself up on my legs and patting my thigh?

Will you wonder where I am?

Will you be able to sleep and eat without me?

Will you miss me too much?

I miss you already.



Saturday, January 29, 2011

One year

My baby turned one year old.

We had a smashing good time. Literally. I made a fancy cupcake and she smashed it. A tender moment between the three of us - DH and I sitting on the floor with our arms around each other while we watched our Ninja pick daintily at the frosting on her cake.

Hired a photographer to follow her around for a few hours. That was fun.

Had a big birthday party with a ridiculous cake and decorations that took me a full day to put up. Party dress, cookies, punch, the works. We declined presents, though; how many toys does a baby need, really? My parents contribute to her RESP (savings for university or college) and I think that's a great idea.

I don't really feel mushy and sentimental about my baby emerging into toddlerhood. Yes, having 7 pounds of her in my arms was gorgeous and inspirational. But it was hard, especially with DH gone all the time. And I prefer this stage now: when Ninja is starting to talk and to understand. And she's so damn funny. I love that about her; I love everything about her and I take her as she is.

Found mahself a job ... and misplaced 10 pounds

Teaching high school. I start this week. Eek!

Planning, stocking up on easy-to-cook meals, laundry, trying to take the edge off the house-disaster, getting Ninja ready to be without me during the day. That's what's up.

Ninja loves her caregivers - they are people I know well, including my mom - but we're still nursing and I don't know how she'll deal with going without me.

I need to get out of the house, though. The 24/7 at-home gig was not for me. I think returning to work full-time at a highly demanding job will be overdoing it, for sure, but if it's really bad I can quit in summer and never return.

What I hope will never return - how's this for a smooth segue? - are the 10 pounds I lost this month.

In December I stepped on the scale and realized I had just hit 170 pounds (and I'm around 5'5 or 5'6 in height). The heaviest I've ever been and I'm not accustomed to dealing with weight issues. SIGH! I was still 10 pounds over my ideal weight when I got pregnant but I didn't mind - I was fit and active.

I was too sedentary in 2010 and having a baby made me crave junk food like mad. Even chocolate and I don't normally even like that stuff!

Yep, at 170 pounds, something had to give.

I rejoined the gym (finally got time to do this). Trying to work out 3-5 times/week. I like gymming so I don't require motivation to go.

The main change I made, though, was to actually track what I ate every day. Guess what? WAY too many calories. I chopped that down, cut out junk food, and reduced carbs. Am never hungry and my cravings have gone away, hallelujah.

Feels so good to get my stamina back, to see my abdominal muscles return, to see my posture straighten, and to see the emerging muffin-top disappear. I've lost the pudge - 5.5 inches gone from my chest, waist, and hips, and now I'm just curvy. ;)

Gotta lose at least 15 more pounds to be back in my healthy BMI. My plan is to wear a hot fire-engine-red bikini during our March hot holiday. I'm gonna make it, too. YESSSSSSS...

Monday, January 24, 2011

Wiseguy and Lola and Birdman (reposted from a comment I left on IF Optimist's blog)

I just can't believe this happened.

I've stopped asking 'why' about anything regarding babies, fertility, miscarriage, etc.

But then I don't know what to think.

All I can do is feel.

And I feel devastated for her.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Wiseguy and Lola

Please stop by Kristen's blog and participate in a remembrance for Lola.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Please send love

Lola didn't make it.

Please hug Wiseguy if you haven't already.

This is unimaginable and yet so real.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

My baby is turning ONE

Oh my.

I'm still digesting this bit of info. Will post more later.

AF, old friend, old pal...

On Monday I got my period. It was the second postpartum af and the first normal one (ovulation - a twistingly painful one from both sides - then a 14-day luteal phase).

No cramping, no zits, no hormotional behaviour. I am wondering if that relatively pain- (but not mess-)free period coincides with my New Year's Resolution (capital R on purpose) to get back to a healthy diet and exercise. I have lost five pounds.

Most blood ever. Wowzers. But I feel fine.

Anyway, we did not have sex - so there was no even remotely miniscule chance of pregnancy - but I'm okay. That's the first time in a long time that I can say this and it feels good.

But ... with such a 'textbook' cycle (minus the fact that I don't know which CD I ovulated), it's a pity to waste it on infertility, no?

Anyway, moving right along...

Also, DH and I cleared up all our misunderstandings. He is a wonderful guy - I'm sorry for making him sound like a big ogre because really he's a big floppy teddy bear - but he's the first to admit that he hates housework - and is colossally lazy about it - and that that's where the problem begins. We're working on it. Thanks for the listening ear.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Ok, comments are working, I promise! Mwah!

A real Ninja update

I've hedged on reporting on Ninja for reasons disclosed on my first post on my new blog. But now I want to talk about her.

She's great. Really great. Looks mostly like DH but she has my mom's eyes. She's almost one year old (!) and she's around 32 inches long and weighs 23 or 24 pounds. She's not gonna blow away anytime soon.

Baby-led weaning went great and she is really starting to pick up steam on eating solids. Sometimes she eats as much as 3/4 of an adult portion of dinner!!!

We're still nursing and I'm beginning to think about when I want to start weaning. (I guess, if I weren't considering FET, I'd probably nurse for another year but I want to stop by summer, hopefully, in case we decide to try a frostie by autumn.) Breastfeeding got a LOT easier 2 or 3 months ago. Ninja stopped her months-long nursing strike - and she stopped being so easily distracted, plus my oversupply evened out at the 6-month mark - so I don't mind doing it at all.

As for motor skills, she's crawling, pulling herself up, and has taken a few tentative steps. When she sees other kids her age walking, she contorts herself into yoga moves to try getting up. Her fine motor skills are excellent (I think baby-led weaning, with its emphasis on picking up bits of food, helped with that).

She talks. At 7 months she could say 'mama' and 'dada' and use them discriminately. She can also say 'book,' 'done,' and 'hi.' I think she can say a few others but I'm not sure yet.

She understands tons of sign language - and she responds with her own gestures - but she doesn't sign back, really, which disappoints me, to be honest.

As for personality, she is a hoot. Bubbly, smart, and funny. Loves to cuddle and also loves to play independently. When she's tired or sick, though - like any other kid - she just wants her mom.

She hates to sleep. Sleep has been the number 1 challenge for us. After half a year of trying to put her down, I could finally get her to take 1-3 10-40 minute naps/day. Yep, that's it. We're down to two 40-minute naps daily but I try to stretch out the second one otherwise she's exhausted and crabby by 5 p.m. (Add to this the trains that constantly blare and screech and you've got a crabby One-Hit_Wonder, too.) And she doesn't sleep well at night. It takes hours to get her down - although that is starting to improve - and she wakes up every 45-120 minutes. Co-sleeping has come to an end as of this weekend because she just won't fall asleep if she's next to me. I miss her. :(

Quirks: hates clothing, loves baths, doesn't care if she's wet or dirty, has become a bookworm, gasps for joy when she sees other babies, and french-kisses me out of the blue if I've just eaten something that she likes, too.

Comments are enabled

Sorry, didn't realize that comments were disabled. Problem fixed.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

paradise lost? found? misplaced?

Well, surviving infertility and crossing the proverbial finish line did not make for paradise. Nothing to do with Ninja, really, and everything to do with too many changes (i.e., new house, new business, me as a SAHM for now, etc.) all at once.

DH and I are fighting. A lot. We can't seem to be in the same room together without an explosion.

We fight about:
-house renovations - unbeknownst to me, the house we bought 18 months ago needed a completely new basement - DH has gutted it and is redoing it himself - all the while with a new baby, starting a new business, and being away for his job most of the time - I never see him, the house is always a disaster (dust, wood chips, nails everywhere), his apprentices and their girlfriends are in and out, we don't have money for a complete refit, and on top of that he's pissed that I don't offer to help him in that department - he doesn't 'get' that I have my hands full with Ninja and with essential household tasks.
-related to above - the house is always a mess - plus this is my fault apparently because MY JOB should involve all housework plus all baby care (don't get me wrong, he spends tons of time with Ninja but he doesn't do diapers, cutting nails, feeding, etc) - I DO NOT HAVE TIME for anything but making meals, keeping bathroom and kitchen somewhat sanitary, and
washing diapers - I asked him tonight to help me straighten up the disastrous kitchen and he was livid.
-sex - a non-occurrence.
-parenting methods - I'm into attachment- and research-based parenting - he's of the mindset 'my parents did xyz and that's what I'm gonna do, too' - he is into spanking and cry-it-out and I AM NOT - I did not endure infertility and miscarriage and IVF just to hit my baby and ignore her!
-communication (or lack thereof) - he's so into TV that he tunes me out, even when I'm talking about something innocuous like whatever cute thing Ninja did that day - he rarely answers me - grunts - or he changes the subject - I HATE IT.

We are at an impasse. I'm at the point where I've threatened to leave because I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and even unloved.

He says that I'm picking fights with him and that he can't say anything without me freaking out about it.

I say that he's picking fights with me and that I can't say anything without him freaking out about it.

He says we need to sleep in the same bed again. Uh, no. We've been in separate rooms for years because he snores and it keeps me up all night. Plus he hogs the bed so much that I nearly fall out on my side. After a solid year of Ninja being up all night, every night, she's finally sleeping a bit at night and I think I deserve some shut-eye, too.

And I was honest about not wanting to have sex with him. I wanted to all throughout my pregnancy and he didn't - he was afraid of hurting the baby. Now, either he wants to and I don't; or I do and he doesn't. On top of that, I feel so useless, helpless, and unwanted by him that I don't exactly feel sexy.

He'll never finish this kind of discussion, either. He always shuts down and then we have to fight about it again the next day ... and the next ... and the next...

He doesn't realize how our marriage is being harmed. I'm on the verge of losing my feelings for him because I'm so weary of feeling as though I'm not good enough. I've tried to express this to him - gently - but he just shuts down.

I've suggested seeing a counsellor and today, finally, he agreed.

I know he loves me but I think he has forgotten about it.

sperm + egg = not always a baby

I love this post!

Ah, the wisdom of Natalie Portman! Beautiful and smart!

Friday, January 14, 2011


I realize that motherhood is the surprise flip side of my particular infertility coin and that, consequently, I should be able to continue discussing parenthood on a 'barren' blog. However, I'm not comfortable posting baby details and my moans 'n' groans about motherhood - infertility and loss do not make for a complaint-free parenting experience - on the other blog which is frequented by a few women (and at least one guy that I know of) who are still in the TTC battle. I have no desire to make anyone hurt.

That's why I really didn't post much during the first year of Ninja's life. I didn't know what to say and what not to say.

So here I am, in a new location. I'm still on Blogger as the tool of choice and I'm still linking my two blogs although I don't think I'll post anymore on Misconceptions and Great Expectations.

I'm not going to write just about my Ninja, though. I need a place to write and so random things might appear on these pages. I want to talk about motherhood after IF and loss, my beloved Ninja, attachment parenting, marriage after a baby, new research into infertility (particularly male factor), and life in general. And from that platform I want to continue supporting my friends who are in various stages of the TTC battle, those who've decided to live childfree, and those who have their dearly wanted children.

If you wanna stick around, I'm glad, and if not, I understand completely!