tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83443442887166827972024-02-07T05:02:53.538-08:00Great and yet IF'fy ExpectationsMothering joyfully - and tentatively- after infertility, IVF, and loss.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-84322475774062785502011-07-23T22:20:00.001-07:002011-07-23T22:20:32.091-07:00Hi, hi, hi! (As Ninja would say!)Hi, I'm still here. A little shame-faced for being away so long, but still around. <br />
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Since I last posted, life ran away on me. Mostly in a good way. I'm teaching full-time – I have the summer off but have been working harder at home than I do at school! - and I have a gorgeous and brilliant toddler. Hence, no time. By the time I get everything done, check FB and maybe my e-mails, it's time for bed. Add renewed sleep disorders to that list, plus a grouchy DH, plus a laptop that crashes periodically, and ... well ... not so much time for blogging. I feel bad about this because I missed my bloggy friends.<br />
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Fast update because who knows when I'll get back on here: <br />
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DH and I are starting to get along better - thanks to you all VERY much for your concern and advice, particularly the advice to just ride it out. DH is essentially grouchy as all get-out because he's got no work right now and he takes it out on me. I'm trying to be patient with that which is hard because my skin is thin. <br />
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Plus he wants a super-clean house and homemade desserts which I don't have time for. <br />
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Plus I have a manuscript I REALLY want to edit and revise this summer which I don't have time for and that makes me sad. <br />
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So we're doing our best to get along. It’s getting better. He’s not the ogre I made him out to be in my last post – he really is a wonderful guy. And, fortunately, we have Ninja who is our amazing super-glue. <br />
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Ninja is groovy and great. She weighs almost 27 pounds and she's around 33 inches tall. She is 18 months old now and on-target or ahead of her age on everything, according to the public health nurse. She says at least 30 words and she's starting to use two-word sentences. Both her gross and fine motor skills are good. She's ultra-curious, very observant, and loves to play and laugh and dance and tease. She adores other babies and kids and she's known for hugging random children on the street. If another kid cries, Ninja does, too. Animals and my mother make her scream for joy! <br />
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Let's see, what else? Her appetite is insane. She can eat a whole canteloupe within a few hours. She enjoys eating meat, fruit, beans, cheese, bread, and crackers. She doesn't like trying anything new until I pretty much force the issue (licking whipped cream off the beaters, anyone?). She hates vegetables. <br />
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Sleep time has gotten much, much better. She naps far better at daycare than she does at home, actually. At daycare she takes one long afternoon nap (like 3 or 4 hours long). At home she sleeps in the morning for 45 minutes and then in the afternoon for around 90 minutes, hit or miss, and that's MUCH better than what it was. At night she sleeps for 10 hours and the 500000 wake-ups every night have dwindled to once or twice. We did have one 3-week stretch of 10-hour-straight nights and OH BOY did I enjoy that! I do not mind night-time parenting - if she needs me, she needs me - but life is easier on a sleep-disordered person to get some good shut-eye.<br />
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I have her in swimming lessons this summer and that's going well. She is becoming fearless on both land and water! <br />
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Hm, what else?one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-12365709087038197082011-05-18T20:30:00.000-07:002011-05-18T20:30:52.815-07:00things are not good between ninja's mom and dadA typical evening around here starts off well and we're in good spirits. I pick up Ninja from daycare. We figure out what to make for dinner. We eat. DH bolts his food, clears most of the table, then settles in with his laptop and his TV for the evening. <br />
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Ninja and I finish eating, we finish clearing the table, and I start cleaning the kitchen but then I stop because there's too much to do. I have to pack my lunch, pack Ninja's milk and water, find clean outfits, pack clean diapers and covers, and run a load of laundry. Besides, I want to play with my baby so that's what we do for a while. Then I nurse Ninja for 20-30 minutes. Then I brush her teeth, change her diaper, put on her clean jammies, put her toys away, read a few stories to her, ensure that she has her stuffed animals and a drink of water and her portable heater turned on, sing a song, hug her for a few minutes, and put her to bed (which is in of itself a heroic attempt every night), and DH comes in to say prayers with her. <br />
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By then DH and I have usually had an argument, usually involving the state of the house (and then the fight drags on after Ninja is in bed) and who does what and who does not as much. <br />
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Tonight it was the fact that I wouldn't go buy him chocolate ice cream. I'm philosophically opposed to buying conventional chocolate because a lot of it is produced by slave children in the Ivory Coast. I buy fair-trade and he knows that. I don't tell him he can't buy it. But I won't buy it. <br />
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H stormed out to buy his damned ice cream. He accused me of not wanting to do anything for him (which was a total lie because I had planned to go out and had offered to buy him a snack) and told me to get out of his face. I asked if he wanted me to leave and that, if that were the case, Ninja would be coming with me. After he went off on a few tangents, he finally said no.<br />
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Why would he want me to do something that he knows is against my conscience?<br />
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I don't know him anymore and he sure as hell doesn't know me.<br />
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We've had sex twice since Ninja was born. <br />
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I spend every evening holed up in my bedroom (like right now). <br />
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I'm afraid to say anything to him because everything I do or don't do rubs him the wrong way. <br />
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After my miscarriage - for which my EDD is fast approaching - we were on the verge of splitting up. If Ninja hadn't come, I'm sure we would have separated already. Our relationship could not handle prolonged infertility.<br />
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Ninja's arrival seemed to bring a new chapter. DH is such a good dad (notwithstanding his addiction to TV and internet) and I fell in love with him all over again.<br />
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Now we just fight. There are so many stressors in our lives: prolonged and heavy-duty renovations that I never wanted, new jobs (including his fledgling business that isn't doing so well right now), and a dozen other things. We both want different things and we can never agree on anything anymore. <br />
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We'd planned to do FET in April, then in summer, but now it's postponed indefinitely. <br />
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Besides the fact that my laptop was broken until yesterday, my reason for not blogging is because things are not good at home.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-8466261299928272062011-05-11T20:58:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:27:55.341-07:00computer woesI'm still here! My laptop crashed a few weeks ago and so I'm using DH's computer which I HATE because the mouse and keyboard don't function well. Be back soon!one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-58799572289707472182011-04-21T11:19:00.000-07:002011-04-21T11:19:05.368-07:00Day 13: GoalsOk, I'm being lax about this list. Not intentionally, though. DH and Ninja and I are on a working vacation and loving it. Ninja travelled really well and everyone ogles her because she's adorable and she's wearing fabulous shoes. :)<br />
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Goals. The big topic.<br />
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I'm at a weird place in my life, I think. Oddly, I've met most of my goals already, at the ripe old age of 31 - and I don't know what else to aim for. I got an honours degree in English literature, followed by a B.Ed. I got a master's degree. I've travelled a lot. I have my sought-after daughter and a great husband. Those were the things I wanted.<br />
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I don't really know what to want next. I kinda wish that I'd followed a different career path - as much as I do love teaching, it's a love-hate relationship, but c'est la vie. (If I could live life over again, FWIW, I think I would have gone into fashion marketing, publishing, or naturopathic medicine.)<br />
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Goals:<br />
-visit the Middle East<br />
-learn French or Spanish<br />
-teach my daughter my native tongue (my mother is helping with this)<br />
-teach abroad and enroll my daughter in a foreign preschool for at least a year<br />
-start a real retirement plan <br />
-deck out my house - I would like to live in a stylish space, not outdated traditional country like most of the homes in our area<br />
-have one more baby <br />
-get a permanent half-time contract<br />
-either move into curriculum development or start a Ph.D.<br />
-get laser surgery on my eyes<br />
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Can't think of anything more to add. Nothing, other than having another baby (and retiring comfortably and travelling more...), really lights a fire in me. I need new goals but I can't think of what ... what a strange 'problem' to have.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-81119542086384492382011-04-18T20:11:00.000-07:002011-04-18T20:11:53.551-07:00Day 12: What I believe inLove. God (or at least something bigger than all of us although I'm fuzzy on details). Really great hole-in-the-wall restaurants. The intense bond between Ninja and me. I believe and know that there is nothing my daughter will be unable to do. Spring. High heels that are impossible to wear but that look great on the shelf. Not wearing socks. Unusual and beautiful singing voices (e.g., Norah Jones, Adele). The right to bare arms in the summer. ;) Dancing although I've never really done this. Red. Growing older and wiser. Eating local and organic. Extended breastfeeding. VOTING. Women's rights. Feminism. Children's rights. I believe that bereaved mothers ARE MOTHERS. My professional autonomy. Greatgreatgreat novels like Angela's Ashes. I am growing to believe in myself, much to my own astonishment. What do you believe in?one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-90699146432628558182011-04-17T19:28:00.000-07:002011-04-17T19:28:40.863-07:00MemoryToday we celebrated Easter with my family. This is what I think happened. DH and I were sitting on the floor with Ninja and suddenly she took 2 or 3 steps to me which was the most she'd ever done. My bro and SIL missed it but the rest of us cheered her achievement. <br />
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This is what I <i>know </i>happened. Suddenly she just started running between DH and me! No walking for this girl! We all applauded and she was beyond thrilled. <br />
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I cried; I was so proud of her. I wasn't in a hurry for her to learn how to walk - she will be into EVERYTHING and our house is a disaster from home renovations - but I really wanted it for her because she has been so desperate to walk. She collapses into a tearful heap if we don't 'walk' with her - holding her hands - when she wants to <i>go</i>.<br />
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I'm glad the first real steps happened with DH and me and not at daycare. I was nervous that I'd miss it.<br />
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She doesn't yet know how to get herself to standing from sitting (without a prop) but, man, when she does...! <br />
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This is my best recollection of what happened. My memory is fuzzy on the first few steps because I was so excited. <br />
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Funny how memory works: what we forget and what we don't.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-39604360918942058862011-04-15T18:59:00.000-07:002011-04-15T18:59:54.935-07:00Day 11: Favourite TV showsWell, Stephen Colbert wants to marry me; he just doesn't know it yet. In terms of political satire, I also like Rick Mercer and Jon Stewart. <br />
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Other shows: The Bachelor, Desperate Housewives, The Soup, and The Office.<br />
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Currently, I'm watching season 3 of Mad Men on Netflix. <br />
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Other all-time favourites: M*A*S*H, Titus (most underrated show of all time), All in the Family, Sex and the City, and The Sopranos. <br />
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TV is a great escape. I leaned on it a lot to help me fall asleep when the infertility got really bad, especially during IVF #2. <br />
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My TV viewing has fallen to the wayside since Ninja arrived in my life and that's fine with me. Research indicates that kids under the age of 2 shouldn't be exposed to TV and so I try to keep the set off when she's around. I don't tune in to kids' shows at all. I'm not some kind of stickler parent (i.e., 'my kid is not allowed in front of the TV!'); it just doesn't occur to me to turn it on for her. I don't think she's missing out on anything. It's better for her to play. Especially with me.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-73826319865329502582011-04-13T19:20:00.000-07:002011-04-13T19:20:11.548-07:00Day 10: Something I'm afraid ofMy #1 fear now is living in poverty when I retire. DH is not a saver and so we live paycheque-to-paycheque. We're not hurting right now - we're both working full-time for the time being - but we don't save. I wish we did. DH's mother is below the poverty line - she's ok but there's no $ for extras - and I don't ever want to live like that. <br />
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The old fear (does it even need to be stated?) was never having a child. That anxiety is like nothing else I've ever felt and I don't expect anything else to ever match it. <br />
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Except, perhaps, for my fear that something bad will happen to Ninja. I can't live without her.<br />
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Or (maybe worse), that something bad will happen to me because how could my dear Ninja ever go on without me? She and I are attached at the soul and she can't even stand it when her daddy picks her up from daycare and she comes home and sees I'm not there yet. She sits by the door and cries until I walk in. <br />
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Please, God, don't let anything happen to me.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-14974022309580829552011-04-12T19:27:00.000-07:002011-04-12T19:28:09.237-07:00Day 9: A pic of my friends.Not to write a boo-hoo post but I don't have many friends and that's been pretty standard in my life. When I was a kid/teen I was too nerdy. Big glasses, dorky clothes, nose in a book ... no one was exactly beating down the door for friendship! I'm still a geek although my style has improved considerably.<br />
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The friends I do have are fantastic and I wouldn't trade them for anything. One of my best friends is a guy who is considerably older than I am but we link up on a deep level. Another dear friend is a woman my age - we met while travelling and we've always had a deep connection. I have a few 'mommy' friends - great people and my daughter loves hanging out with their kids. Another good friend is a woman my husband has been friends with for most of his life. <br />
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Problem is, no one lives in my area (and I'm not a phone person). :( I spend most of my time with my DH and my daughter which is great and wonderful but I'd love to have some close girlfriends who live in this town. I need some more estrogen in the people around me! <br />
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Sometimes I watch reruns of <i>Sex and the City </i>and wonder what it would be like to be so tightly woven into a group of women friends. <br />
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Btw: I'm a cross between Charlotte (although I've become less prude-ish, if that's a word) and Carrie (although I'm less clingy than Carrie, I think). Which SATC character are you? <br />
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Anyway, thanks for reading, my bloggy friends! :)one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-6666822691484031832011-04-11T20:14:00.000-07:002011-04-11T20:14:35.552-07:00Day 8: A place I've travelled toCan't write today. If I do - and I did try - it'll just turns into a b!tchfest. DH and I aren't getting along plus I had a bad day at work and only got to see Ninja for 2 hours tonight. That's the short of it. Blah.<br />
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All I want to do is snuggle up with Ninja and go to sleep but she won't co-sleep: if I'm in the room she just roams around the bed for hours and, if she does fall asleep, she wakes up and screams because she doesn't want to be in bed. Sigh. <br />
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A place I've travelled to? Bonker-ville.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-45906037124877631482011-04-10T09:19:00.000-07:002011-04-10T09:19:02.387-07:00Day 7: Favourite moviesI didn't grow up watching movies. Where I lived, there was no cinema and people didn't generally rent movies like they do now. <br />
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My parents never rented movies. I recall one instance when my mom did and it was <i>The Princess Bride</i> (of which I am fond). My dad says that he and my mom took me to see <i>The Lady and the Tramp </i>when I was a toddler but I don't remember that.<br />
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The first movie I saw in a theatre was <i>Clueless</i>. I LOVE that movie: it's clever and funny.<br />
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Other movies I enjoy: Amelie, The Red Violin, Happy Gilmore, Spider-Man, The Piano, Ever After, Lars and the Real Girl, Dan in Real Life, Some Like it Hot, Ocean's 11. <br />
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I'm not into movies, though. For the most part, I think films are boring and predictable. A movie's gotta be great in order to hold my attention. And by now, with a 14-month-old, we've started (well, I have, anyway) to tune out the screens. Ninja doesn't need to watch TV; I'd prefer her to play.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-35878172919474204672011-04-09T13:02:00.000-07:002011-04-09T20:36:37.494-07:00Day 6: A picture of something that makes me happyI've shown this picture before, I believe, for Mel's weekly show & tell. (It's not the exact same pic but you get the idea.) It's worth sharing again. 'Tis the season. <br />
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The climate where I live is worse than Siberia (literally - I know people from Siberia and they say our weather is colder and snowier than what they're used to in their homeland!). <br />
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We all look forward to spring. When the weather finally eases up, as is happening while I write these words, the tulips begin their annual ritual of bursting through the soil. The green shoots don't push aside last year's dead leaves: they grow right through them.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguR-NhnHPfRL67Fh3RT6Z54KVHqiDtcOdc7gebdWtTTXHBdqPN-SPPmg1jhgU_Va3XkU-wLWPJwQP2JQWNt_Vu4r58pyvu0Ln1vALt4G6X-1-KNOPoj0BW04y5OhnGVB0goRckgo-o2T4/s1600/tulips.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="194" width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguR-NhnHPfRL67Fh3RT6Z54KVHqiDtcOdc7gebdWtTTXHBdqPN-SPPmg1jhgU_Va3XkU-wLWPJwQP2JQWNt_Vu4r58pyvu0Ln1vALt4G6X-1-KNOPoj0BW04y5OhnGVB0goRckgo-o2T4/s400/tulips.jpg" /></a></div><br />
At first, the tender shoots appear choked by the brown leaves. As the green unfurls, the yesterday's leaf shatters into frail bits and returns to the soil. The tulip's stem and leaves bear pale green marks: reminders of their former ensnared status. For a while, the flower is free. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5lMjDxpac3-suFisDjMm5UR2COG8jj0ETtD8hOd6TA4Yh_P-lN7JyMbXk_jSgDzX4nxLQl8JLmUVFeZ7bxwzPKmaU3BT6xfVdmPbc4qZ5n6IhVCB2-2yvJwuxAzGzeNu5pmn3JEkCplU/s1600/tulips1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="194" width="259" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5lMjDxpac3-suFisDjMm5UR2COG8jj0ETtD8hOd6TA4Yh_P-lN7JyMbXk_jSgDzX4nxLQl8JLmUVFeZ7bxwzPKmaU3BT6xfVdmPbc4qZ5n6IhVCB2-2yvJwuxAzGzeNu5pmn3JEkCplU/s400/tulips1.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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I don't believe in hope anymore but, when I see these flowers, I can't help but feel joyful.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-17458619742300459072011-04-08T20:22:00.000-07:002011-04-08T20:22:10.787-07:00great postI came across a <a href="http://www.fromiftowhen.com/2011/04/21-guns.html">great post </a>on the <a href="http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2011/04/why-im-not-talking-about-peta/">Stirrup Queen's blog</a>.<br />
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These lines re: infertility were terrific: "Sticks and stones never hurt my bones. Words did, a little. But taking away my womanhood ruined me."one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-44567054052733322432011-04-08T20:02:00.000-07:002011-04-08T20:02:47.260-07:00Day 5: My siblingsI don't want to spend too much time on this topic. Primarily because my youngest brother causes my parents nothing but heartaches. He and his wife are estranged from the family - we weren't invited to their wedding - and we've never met his daughter (who's a toddler already). I think of her every day and I've happened across pictures of her. She looks like me. <br />
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My 'middle' brother is a good guy. Married with a precious little girl. We don't see them much, though. They're always so busy. I haven't seen my niece since January which is hard. <br />
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Both siblings do not have fertility issues. The youngest bro said at one point that his girlfriend, now wife, had a miscarriage when she was still a teenager. That upset me partly because DH and I were already a year or 2 into infertility. My middle brother's wife had 'trouble' conceiving but, as I've gathered, it took them 6 or 7 months to get pregnant. Um, ok. That doesn't count as 'trouble' to me but whatever. <br />
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Every day I try to remember to remind myself that both of my siblings will continue to procreate and that I likely will not. I don't want to be surprised anymore.<br />
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Yeah, that's about as far as I want to get into that right now.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-89594246611132722612011-04-07T20:25:00.000-07:002011-04-07T20:25:00.741-07:00Day 4: My parentsMy parents are good people. My dad is a teacher and my mom works in retail. They live in the country and go to church and they like it that way.<br />
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I had an overly-strict (to put it mildly) upbringing - which affects me to this day, to be honest - but I realize that my mom and dad were doing the best with the knowledge they had at the time. <br />
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They were raised even stricter than I was - no books, no movies/TV, no dancing, just work - plus both families were definitely on the impoverished side of things. My mom's family moved around a lot, so she never got a chance to make friends, plus she had ten other siblings and an angry and detached father. And not a lot to eat in the house. My dad's family farmed - they started out with less than nothing. My dad was in charge of a lot of things and he had to grow up very quickly. My dad's father was a very angry man (I'll leave it at that). <br />
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Both my mom and dad's families were into corporal punishment (and that's, um, putting it lightly, from what I've heard). I did get spanked growing up but that was already better than what had happened to, for instance, my dad. <br />
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Fear and guilt have become genetic in our family, I think...<br />
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I don't believe in spanking, and I've said that before. I believe that spanking damaged me as a person: it made me fearful. It made me feel rebellious. It made me determined not to get caught. Whereas, if anyone had ever bothered to take the time to reason with me, I would never have done the naughty-thing-du-jour again. <br />
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My parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had at hand. I don't criticize them. <br />
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Now I am a mother. I'm also going to parent with the knowledge I hold. I think there's an even better way. I'm committed to parenting peacefully and I do not want to spank: when needed, I will find other ways to help my daughter manage her behaviour. <br />
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I'm going to do the best I can. I will screw up along the way. I accept that.<br />
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And, if my daughter ever has a child, I know she'll likely say this: "My parents are good people. I had a problem with <i>XYZ</i> but I realize that my mom and dad were doing the best with the knowledge they had at the time. Now I am a mother. I'm also going to parent with the knowledge I hold. " <br />
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And I'm at peace with that.<br />
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<i>(Whoa, I didn't start this post intending to write all this ... but that's the magic of writing-to-discover...)</i>one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-16785936491844363442011-04-07T20:02:00.001-07:002011-04-07T20:02:42.837-07:00INFERTILITY IS NOT A JOKEOh, PETA, you suck. <br />
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Everyone in the IF community - and those who love them - please sign <a href="http://www.change.org/petitions/tell-peta-infertility-is-not-a-joke-2#?opt_new=f&opt_fb=t">this</a>.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-474423214044100372011-04-06T18:38:00.000-07:002011-04-06T18:38:00.410-07:00Day 3: My first loveReading. Long before I started kindergarten, I taught myself how to read. Curled up around a book - that's always been my favourite thing to do. <br />
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A few of my favourite books: Angela's Ashes, Beloved, the Georgia Nicolson confessions, You Are My I Love You (picture book), Book Talk (Aidan Chambers), Bitter Milk (Madeleine Grumet), The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, questions i asked my mother, Anne of Green Gables.<br />
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I love poetry, newspapers, magazines, and my E-reader. I read my computer screen, people's t-shirts, and street signs. I read words and they read me.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-76374536395904342492011-04-05T14:30:00.000-07:002011-04-05T18:37:05.056-07:00Day 2: Meaning of Your Blog NameI'm an English major and I love Charles Dickens. Great Expectations is one of my favourite novels. To name an infertility (aka: IF) blog, it seemed natural to marry a Dickens title to IF, no? <br />
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I dunno. I wanted a clever title - every other IF blog has a neat moniker. <i>Great and yet IF'fy Expectations</i> was the first thing that popped into my head when I was starting a new post-baby blog. That's it. The End.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-66764036126231010612011-04-04T12:27:00.000-07:002011-04-04T12:27:33.636-07:00Day 1Hi, I'm One Hit Wonder. My name started as a joke - I heard on the radio the comment that being a one hit wonder would be a great job: write one terrific song, make a ton of money, then fade into obscurity while sitting in a pile of $$. Sounds good to me! Now my name really means something: after years of infertility, I have a gorgeous daughter. I'm truly a one hit wonder. <br />
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No recent pic, sorry. I must maintain my anonymous superhero status! However, some of you are on my Facebook and you folks know what I look like. <br />
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15 interesting facts: <br />
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1) I like bungee jumping<br />
2) I used to have straight hair and then it turned curly<br />
3) I'm a hippie at heart although you probably wouldn't guess so from my appearance<br />
4) I can come off as an airhead/flake but ...<br />
5) ... I have 3 degrees, I am well-read, and I'm politically aware<br />
6) I've never really danced before<br />
7) I am a proponent of gardening but, after the seedlings are in and the ground has been watered, I gradually forget about it all ... and then the weeds set in ...<br />
8) I don't have many girlfriends in real life (and the ones I do have live far away) <br />
9) I live in the buttcrack of Canada where it's cold and snowy 75% of the time<br />
10) I love beautiful clothing and jewelry - especially thrifted!<br />
11) I could live without eating meat<br />
12) Until DH and I decided to start 'trying,' I never really wanted kids and I'm still not a huge fan of babies (although the cliche is true: I adore my own child and obviously I fought hard - and had luck help me out for once - to get her)<br />
13)I am a coffee aficionado<br />
14) I'm so absent-minded that ...<br />
15) ... I nearly forgot to include #15! :)one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-65903266504797692862011-04-04T12:09:00.000-07:002011-04-04T12:09:13.135-07:0030-day blog challengeOkay, I need to get back into the habit of blogging regularly.<br />
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I saw the 30-Day blog challenge somewhere and I'm going to do it this month. I promise.<br />
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Here's the list:<br />
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Day 1-Introduce, recent picture, 15 interesting facts<br />
Day 2-Meaning behind your blog name<br />
Day 3-Your first love<br />
Day 4-Your parents<br />
Day 5-Your siblings<br />
Day 6-A picture of something that makes you happy<br />
Day 7-Favorite movies<br />
Day 8-A place you've traveled to<br />
Day 9-A picture of your friends<br />
Day 10-Something you're afraid of<br />
Day 11-Favorite TV shows<br />
Day 12-What you believe<br />
Day 13-Goals<br />
Day 14-A picture you love<br />
Day 15-Bible verse<br />
Day 16-Dream house<br />
Day 17-Something you're looking forward to<br />
Day 18-Something you regret<br />
Day 19-Something you miss<br />
Day 20-Nicknames<br />
Day 21-Picture of yourself<br />
Day 22-Favorite city<br />
Day 23-Favorite vacation<br />
Day 24-Something you've learned<br />
Day 25-Put your i-Pod on shuffle, first 10 songs<br />
Day 26-Picture of your family<br />
Day 27-Pets<br />
Day 28-Something that stresses you out<br />
Day 29-3 Wishes<br />
Day 30-a pictureone-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-28006644122594556282011-03-30T19:53:00.000-07:002011-03-30T19:53:41.436-07:00good actingThe actor Elizabeth Banks (Avery on <i>30 Rock</i>) just had a baby. Baby was born <a href="http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20477493,00.html">via surrogate</a>. <br />
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I can't imagine playing a pregnant woman on TV - which she did (a hilariously bitchy one) - while simultaneously IRL enduring treatments, searching for a surrogate, going through IVF with said surrogate, and then waiting to see if the pregnancy will work and if a baby is actually going home with her. <br />
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There's a good actor.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-26280131344423346432011-03-30T08:45:00.000-07:002011-03-30T08:45:41.472-07:00Obsessing over FETAn FET is not a 'fet' accompli, given the 15% chance of success with which our RE tagged us. I'm not counting on success - I'm assuming it won't work because I don't want to be heartsick again - although DH is urging me to 'hope.' <br />
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Still, there are so many things to consider beforehand. A lot of changes for a faint chance of success. <br />
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Really, we have to do it this summer. I'm a teacher and that's the only time I get to do things like that. If not now, we'd have to wait until summer 2012. Plus we're not getting any younger.<br />
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This means that I should resume daily prenatals and extra folic acid. Guess I'll have to hit the health food store soon.<br />
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And I have to wean Ninja by the end of May. (I need one cycle without nursing, then tests, then FET.) <br />
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My poor girl. She only nurses 2 or 3 times a day (early morning, before bed, and once more when I go to bed) and she is very attached to her milk. I don't want to wean her completely before she's ready - it's such great pain relief (especially for teething which is in full force) and reassurance for her, plus the great health benefits - and especially not for a baby who likely won't happen. Nursing is our cuddle time - other than that, she doesn't have time for hugs or sitting in my lap anymore - and I am reluctant to give it up. Plus it helps me sleep and I'm all in favour of that.<br />
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And DH and I need to get along better. Our relationship has been improving and that's good. Infertility took a sledgehammer to our marriage and, honestly, a baby was unexpectedly hard on us. That's not something I like to admit - you'd think that a baby would be the sole answer to an infertile couple's problems - but it is the truth. It has taken a while for our relationship to adjust to another person in the house. I hear that this is normal so that's reassuring to me.<br />
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And then there are finances to consider. I don't have a job lined up yet for fall and I probably won't be on a permanent contract if/when I do get a position. DH makes enough for us to get by. I'm ok with a tight budget but DH does not like to live that way. Hm. We'll get by, though, so this is not one of my main concerns. <br />
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Ninja also still hates sleep although things have improved in the last 3 months. Let's say I do miraculously have another baby. When would I sleep? I know this sounds trivial in Infertilityland but, as it turns out, it's not. It is hard to parent in a mental fog. I haven't been in a deep sleep in 2 years. This is not a complaint, please note: I am a committed night-time parent and the sleeplessness is worth it for my girl. But in all practicality (is that a word?), bone-wearying fatigue is tough: it makes me a very grouchy, indecisive, and unfunloving wife and mom. Again, though, this isn't my hugest concern: I'd get by.<br />
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Lots to consider. In terms of my nursing relationship with Ninja ... well, I guess this is my main worry. I wonder, if the FET doesn't work, could I re-lactate? Maybe I should talk to a LLL leader about it. <br />
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Really, I should cut the 10:30 pm feeding. Start there. Offer water. Hug her until she stops crying. Get DH to put her back to bed. I should do it this week while I'm still on spring break. <br />
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Then, in a month, drop the morning feeding. She'll be upset for the first few minutes every morning but I can distract her with fruit and cheese.<br />
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Then, by the end of May, stop the bedtime nursing. That's going to be the hardest. It's our wind-down time together and it makes her happy. There will be no way to explain to her why she can't have milk anymore. :( <br />
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This is hard. I'm past the point of commenting on the unfairness of infertility - we all know that this is unfair but what are we going to do about it? - but maaaaan, I'm choked that other women in my life don't have to stop nursing prematurely just to get pregnant again.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-56447274962208249412011-03-28T20:19:00.000-07:002011-03-28T20:19:59.593-07:00Odds 'n' ends-Ninja is wonderful. Today she learned to climb off of my bed. She does stairs. She has 12 teeth and at least 2 more on the way - she seems to get 3 or 4 at once, poor thing. She's starting to sleep better at night - we're no longer co-sleeping which makes me sad, though - and she actually has real naps at daycare (though not at home). She has the best smile in the world. She lives to tease her dad. She loves animals. We're still nursing 3 times/day. And still cloth diapering. No walking yet although she's beginning to stand alone for a few seconds at a time. She adores reading. She is a carnivore: it's all about meat and not so much (ok, not at all) about vegetables. Except for mushrooms. Huh? <br />
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-Ah, I forgot to blog her birthday. I'm a bad mom (I say this facetiously, of course - I think I'm a good mom!). It was ridiculously over-the-top and I loved every second of it. A ridiculous cake, ridiculous party dress, ridiculous decorations. I spent an absurd amount of time on it all; the party was, of course, more about me than about my daughter. But it was her first birthday and I didn't know if I'd get to throw another party like that ever again. I'm glad I did it.<br />
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-Work is going well. The transition was not as difficult as I had envisioned. I 'feel' different, though. I'm not the young teacher anymore - the motherhood status means that things have changed. I'm okay with this but I must admit that it was fun to be the new and hot teacher. Ah, well. Everyone at work looks surprised when I say my age. A ten-years-younger guy at work started to seem interested - before I mentioned my age and marital status - and he looked disappointed. A good thing! <br />
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-Today was the first day I spent alone at home since before Ninja was born. I confess to feeling very relaxed.<br />
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-DH will kill me if he ever finds out I blogged about this, but he no longer produces ejaculate. Huh? I thought this happened to older guys, not him. Sayonara to my (vair vair) distant dream of ever having a surprise pregnancy. It's just not going to happen. I must get this through my head.<br />
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-Diva Cup. Awesome. If I must get my period, at least this is a comfortable, eco-friendly, and more convenient way to have it.<br />
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- Speaking of Miss Auntie Flo, my cycle is really different now. I'm pretty regular, for one thing, which is odd. Ovulating hurts like an SOB whereas I'm used to just twinges. And I get it on both sides (weird because the right side was anovulatory). AF herself, however, brings zero cramps. None. And no mood swings. Odd!!!<br />
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-FET is tentatively scheduled for summer. Depends on my nursing schedule (Ninja is NOT a fan of the idea of weaning and I'd have to stop by the end of May at the latest), my relationship with DH (we were not getting along for a while but now we're beginning to fix what ails us), and our financial status (my position ends in summer). We'll see how it goes. <br />
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-My jealousy of other pregnant women had started to wane. That is, until a friend (who had her first baby just before mine) announced her pregnancy. Oh, right. Other women in my life have just had babies and will continue to have more babies. I must remind myself of this so that I'm not surprised and pissed off about more pregnancy announcements. I remind myself, in particular, that my brothers' wives will continue to have more babies without issue. I don't want to be blindsided.<br />
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-Again, speaking of reminders, Ninja is great. Fabulous. She's not perfect but she is perfect for us.one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-10460311735805552032011-03-19T10:46:00.000-07:002011-03-19T10:49:16.766-07:00a love letter in the early springMy dear baby,<br />
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As I waited for you to come into my life, I always thought that I would cherish the moments to come more than regular fertile people. I thought their regrets would come later in life when they'd realize that time had come and gone. I thought I wouldn't have regrets because I'd live in the moment. <br />
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Right now I'm living the last days with a baby. Every day you stand alone for a few seconds at a time and I know that any day will bring your entry into toddlerhood. In the meantime, I walk with you.<br />
<br />
It is a sweet thing. I don't think I'm nostalgic about babyhood - at least, not too much - but ... I do wish I could somehow preserve this precious time. I wish I could store it in a jar downstairs - in the cool, dark air - and, later in life, when my hair is increasingly grey and your life extends further and further away from my own, I wish I could descend to the basement, select a dusty and golden jar, bring it into the light, and taste its fruit once more. Not as good as fresh but the memory of summer would remain.<br />
<br />
As it turns out, living in the moment - savouring each day - might make things harder down the road. I live with a constant, beautiful ache because I know these days won't last forever. <br />
<br />
Love, <br />
<br />
Your motherone-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8344344288716682797.post-30096963201839278592011-02-10T18:47:00.000-08:002011-02-10T18:47:33.763-08:00yummy gym guyTwo days ago at the gym I got hit on. By a smokin' hot weightlifter guy. Who was at least 4 or 5 years younger than I am. Checked me out head to toe and tried to get me to laugh. When I realized what was going on I made a flippant remark and walked off. <br />
<br />
Eek! <br />
<br />
I aged quite a bit after Ninja was born. Hair went 20% white, teeth turned brown from coffee, gained 10+ pounds, etc. That's all part of not being in my twenties anymore, I guess. <br />
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In December-January, I changed as much as possible. Dyed my hair, bleached my teeth, and lost 10 pounds. <br />
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I still look older - I mean, I am a year older and I never sleep - but I'm starting to feel good about myself again and it was nice to get some validation from a Really Hot Young Guy. :D)one-hit_wonderhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02392238740961497297noreply@blogger.com4