yummy gym guy

Two days ago at the gym I got hit on. By a smokin' hot weightlifter guy. Who was at least 4 or 5 years younger than I am. Checked me out head to toe and tried to get me to laugh. When I realized what was going on I made a flippant remark and walked off.

Eek!

I aged quite a bit after Ninja was born. Hair went 20% white, teeth turned brown from coffee, gained 10+ pounds, etc. That's all part of not being in my twenties anymore, I guess.

In December-January, I changed as much as possible. Dyed my hair, bleached my teeth, and lost 10 pounds.

I still look older - I mean, I am a year older and I never sleep - but I'm starting to feel good about myself again and it was nice to get some validation from a Really Hot Young Guy. :D)

i love this quotation

Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth. To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.
–Kathryn Miller Ridiman

Thank you, Michele, from My Life After Loss, for this great quotation. It validates my first pregnancy which was NOT just a 'chemical.'

and...

In the last 5 weeks I've lost almost 13 pounds. Yeah! Halfway to my goal of shedding 25 pounds. I'm under my pre-pregnancy weight and the poundage keeps coming off. String bikini, here I come!

Week 1: Done

First week back at work wasn't too bad!

Ninja adjusted surprisingly well. She loves her caregivers (an old friend of mine and my mom) and she played and played. Apparently she eats as much as the 3- and 4-year-olds do! Plus she's spent time with a boy who's a month older than she is and who can walk already - she crawled after him all day - now she's even more obsessed with learning to walk.

She did get a bad case of diaper rash from disposables (back to cloth it is) and she won't drink during the day(therefore she wants to nurse all night). Last night she was up at least 6 times screaming because she didn't want to be in bed. But if that's the worst it gets, it's all good. I'm a little bleary-eyed but I can still see.

The job itself is a very good position. Good admin and staff and the students have, overall, been pleasant. I still have my love-hate relationship with teaching but I doubt that will ever go away. Most importantly to me, my English classes are going swimmingly well and that's a real morale booster.

I didn't have to pump at all during the day and that surprised me. I can go from 7 in the morning until 5 or 6 at night without nursing or pumping and I feel fine.

DH has been gone all week on a business trip and N and I both missed him but it was still ok.

I do wish Ninja would drink during the day. She did start using a sippy cup a few weeks ago but she doesn't use it enough.

Anyway, I can see already that returning to work full-time on a permanent basis will be too much for me, so it's good to know that. For fall I will look for a half-time position and, if that doesn't come along, I guess I will substitute teach.

A job posting came up in another field - the arts/history - something in which I'm very interested, plus it's part-time. But it starts in April and I'm on contract until the end of June. Hm. Perhaps they'll hold the spot if I'm the right candidate?

Lots to consider.

In the meantime, it's been good to pay off the last of the IVF debt. Now Ninja is really and truly ours.

missing baby

My lost baby from the IVF cycle before Ninja.

Today I miss him so much I can hardly stand it. I haven't let myself think about him since I got pregnant with Ninja.

I don't know what it is about today - maybe thinking about Michele's babies or about Wiseguy's Lola - but oh, baby, I miss you hard. You'd be 19 months old, running around and driving me crazy. I wish you would, babe.

worry for my gal

I feel guilty for going back to work.

I didn't HAVE to go back. We could have made it on DH's salary although it would've been very tight. It was do-able.

But we had upcoming expenses, plus DH has holes in his pockets, so to speak. And I was itching to get out of the house - out of a frozen still prairie landscape.

I have my job. It lasts until the end of June.

It's crazy-busy to teach full-time and to mother full-time. Ninja misses me but she's doing well at daycare.

But she won't drink during the day and that worries me endlessly. And she's got a diaper rash so I have to tell the caregiver to change more frequently. And I know I'm missing thousands of precious moments.

Am I doing the right thing? After the hell I went through to get Ninja, how come I don't need to be with her 24/7? You'd think I'd never want to leave her side.

But I need my own thing to do, too. Sigh.

I worry so much. I love her desperately.

It's too late now to change my mind. I don't think I would, even if I could. I will just live with all the conflicting feelings.

And I'll pop an Ativan tonight.