Tuesday, February 1, 2011

worry for my gal

I feel guilty for going back to work.

I didn't HAVE to go back. We could have made it on DH's salary although it would've been very tight. It was do-able.

But we had upcoming expenses, plus DH has holes in his pockets, so to speak. And I was itching to get out of the house - out of a frozen still prairie landscape.

I have my job. It lasts until the end of June.

It's crazy-busy to teach full-time and to mother full-time. Ninja misses me but she's doing well at daycare.

But she won't drink during the day and that worries me endlessly. And she's got a diaper rash so I have to tell the caregiver to change more frequently. And I know I'm missing thousands of precious moments.

Am I doing the right thing? After the hell I went through to get Ninja, how come I don't need to be with her 24/7? You'd think I'd never want to leave her side.

But I need my own thing to do, too. Sigh.

I worry so much. I love her desperately.

It's too late now to change my mind. I don't think I would, even if I could. I will just live with all the conflicting feelings.

And I'll pop an Ativan tonight.


Michele said...

oh honey... i have no advice, i'm sorry. we opted to do it on p's salary and, honestly, even if we were tighter than we are (and we are tight but we are afloat), i cant imagine going back to work. i know i'd do it (although at night because i couldnt fathom during the day) for our family, but i can only imagine how your heart hurts.

you can always re-eval in june. if ninja isnt thriving (or if mama isnt!), then you can just not go back. no harm no foul. but at least you know!

Kate said...

I hope you feel better soon! She was lucky to have you at home for a whole year.

Ruth said...

This is a situation where the best option is what works best for the family. It is not terrible that you go back to work, if that is what you need. You don't need to feel guilty either. You will still have the summers and school holidays. Plus, you are only committed until June and if it doesn't work you can change it. You can sub or whatever.

The transition IS difficult and don't make yourself feel bad.