good acting

The actor Elizabeth Banks (Avery on 30 Rock) just had a baby. Baby was born via surrogate.

I can't imagine playing a pregnant woman on TV - which she did (a hilariously bitchy one) - while simultaneously IRL enduring treatments, searching for a surrogate, going through IVF with said surrogate, and then waiting to see if the pregnancy will work and if a baby is actually going home with her.

There's a good actor.

Obsessing over FET

An FET is not a 'fet' accompli, given the 15% chance of success with which our RE tagged us. I'm not counting on success - I'm assuming it won't work because I don't want to be heartsick again - although DH is urging me to 'hope.'

Still, there are so many things to consider beforehand. A lot of changes for a faint chance of success.

Really, we have to do it this summer. I'm a teacher and that's the only time I get to do things like that. If not now, we'd have to wait until summer 2012. Plus we're not getting any younger.

This means that I should resume daily prenatals and extra folic acid. Guess I'll have to hit the health food store soon.

And I have to wean Ninja by the end of May. (I need one cycle without nursing, then tests, then FET.)

My poor girl. She only nurses 2 or 3 times a day (early morning, before bed, and once more when I go to bed) and she is very attached to her milk. I don't want to wean her completely before she's ready - it's such great pain relief (especially for teething which is in full force) and reassurance for her, plus the great health benefits - and especially not for a baby who likely won't happen. Nursing is our cuddle time - other than that, she doesn't have time for hugs or sitting in my lap anymore - and I am reluctant to give it up. Plus it helps me sleep and I'm all in favour of that.

And DH and I need to get along better. Our relationship has been improving and that's good. Infertility took a sledgehammer to our marriage and, honestly, a baby was unexpectedly hard on us. That's not something I like to admit - you'd think that a baby would be the sole answer to an infertile couple's problems - but it is the truth. It has taken a while for our relationship to adjust to another person in the house. I hear that this is normal so that's reassuring to me.

And then there are finances to consider. I don't have a job lined up yet for fall and I probably won't be on a permanent contract if/when I do get a position. DH makes enough for us to get by. I'm ok with a tight budget but DH does not like to live that way. Hm. We'll get by, though, so this is not one of my main concerns.

Ninja also still hates sleep although things have improved in the last 3 months. Let's say I do miraculously have another baby. When would I sleep? I know this sounds trivial in Infertilityland but, as it turns out, it's not. It is hard to parent in a mental fog. I haven't been in a deep sleep in 2 years. This is not a complaint, please note: I am a committed night-time parent and the sleeplessness is worth it for my girl. But in all practicality (is that a word?), bone-wearying fatigue is tough: it makes me a very grouchy, indecisive, and unfunloving wife and mom. Again, though, this isn't my hugest concern: I'd get by.

Lots to consider. In terms of my nursing relationship with Ninja ... well, I guess this is my main worry. I wonder, if the FET doesn't work, could I re-lactate? Maybe I should talk to a LLL leader about it.

Really, I should cut the 10:30 pm feeding. Start there. Offer water. Hug her until she stops crying. Get DH to put her back to bed. I should do it this week while I'm still on spring break.

Then, in a month, drop the morning feeding. She'll be upset for the first few minutes every morning but I can distract her with fruit and cheese.

Then, by the end of May, stop the bedtime nursing. That's going to be the hardest. It's our wind-down time together and it makes her happy. There will be no way to explain to her why she can't have milk anymore. :(

This is hard. I'm past the point of commenting on the unfairness of infertility - we all know that this is unfair but what are we going to do about it? - but maaaaan, I'm choked that other women in my life don't have to stop nursing prematurely just to get pregnant again.

Odds 'n' ends

-Ninja is wonderful. Today she learned to climb off of my bed. She does stairs. She has 12 teeth and at least 2 more on the way - she seems to get 3 or 4 at once, poor thing. She's starting to sleep better at night - we're no longer co-sleeping which makes me sad, though - and she actually has real naps at daycare (though not at home). She has the best smile in the world. She lives to tease her dad. She loves animals. We're still nursing 3 times/day. And still cloth diapering. No walking yet although she's beginning to stand alone for a few seconds at a time. She adores reading. She is a carnivore: it's all about meat and not so much (ok, not at all) about vegetables. Except for mushrooms. Huh?

-Ah, I forgot to blog her birthday. I'm a bad mom (I say this facetiously, of course - I think I'm a good mom!). It was ridiculously over-the-top and I loved every second of it. A ridiculous cake, ridiculous party dress, ridiculous decorations. I spent an absurd amount of time on it all; the party was, of course, more about me than about my daughter. But it was her first birthday and I didn't know if I'd get to throw another party like that ever again. I'm glad I did it.

-Work is going well. The transition was not as difficult as I had envisioned. I 'feel' different, though. I'm not the young teacher anymore - the motherhood status means that things have changed. I'm okay with this but I must admit that it was fun to be the new and hot teacher. Ah, well. Everyone at work looks surprised when I say my age. A ten-years-younger guy at work started to seem interested - before I mentioned my age and marital status - and he looked disappointed. A good thing!

-Today was the first day I spent alone at home since before Ninja was born. I confess to feeling very relaxed.

-DH will kill me if he ever finds out I blogged about this, but he no longer produces ejaculate. Huh? I thought this happened to older guys, not him. Sayonara to my (vair vair) distant dream of ever having a surprise pregnancy. It's just not going to happen. I must get this through my head.

-Diva Cup. Awesome. If I must get my period, at least this is a comfortable, eco-friendly, and more convenient way to have it.

- Speaking of Miss Auntie Flo, my cycle is really different now. I'm pretty regular, for one thing, which is odd. Ovulating hurts like an SOB whereas I'm used to just twinges. And I get it on both sides (weird because the right side was anovulatory). AF herself, however, brings zero cramps. None. And no mood swings. Odd!!!

-FET is tentatively scheduled for summer. Depends on my nursing schedule (Ninja is NOT a fan of the idea of weaning and I'd have to stop by the end of May at the latest), my relationship with DH (we were not getting along for a while but now we're beginning to fix what ails us), and our financial status (my position ends in summer). We'll see how it goes.

-My jealousy of other pregnant women had started to wane. That is, until a friend (who had her first baby just before mine) announced her pregnancy. Oh, right. Other women in my life have just had babies and will continue to have more babies. I must remind myself of this so that I'm not surprised and pissed off about more pregnancy announcements. I remind myself, in particular, that my brothers' wives will continue to have more babies without issue. I don't want to be blindsided.

-Again, speaking of reminders, Ninja is great. Fabulous. She's not perfect but she is perfect for us.

a love letter in the early spring

My dear baby,

As I waited for you to come into my life, I always thought that I would cherish the moments to come more than regular fertile people. I thought their regrets would come later in life when they'd realize that time had come and gone. I thought I wouldn't have regrets because I'd live in the moment.

Right now I'm living the last days with a baby. Every day you stand alone for a few seconds at a time and I know that any day will bring your entry into toddlerhood. In the meantime, I walk with you.

It is a sweet thing. I don't think I'm nostalgic about babyhood - at least, not too much - but ... I do wish I could somehow preserve this precious time. I wish I could store it in a jar downstairs - in the cool, dark air - and, later in life, when my hair is increasingly grey and your life extends further and further away from my own, I wish I could descend to the basement, select a dusty and golden jar, bring it into the light, and taste its fruit once more. Not as good as fresh but the memory of summer would remain.

As it turns out, living in the moment - savouring each day - might make things harder down the road. I live with a constant, beautiful ache because I know these days won't last forever.

Love,

Your mother