Obsessing over FET

An FET is not a 'fet' accompli, given the 15% chance of success with which our RE tagged us. I'm not counting on success - I'm assuming it won't work because I don't want to be heartsick again - although DH is urging me to 'hope.'

Still, there are so many things to consider beforehand. A lot of changes for a faint chance of success.

Really, we have to do it this summer. I'm a teacher and that's the only time I get to do things like that. If not now, we'd have to wait until summer 2012. Plus we're not getting any younger.

This means that I should resume daily prenatals and extra folic acid. Guess I'll have to hit the health food store soon.

And I have to wean Ninja by the end of May. (I need one cycle without nursing, then tests, then FET.)

My poor girl. She only nurses 2 or 3 times a day (early morning, before bed, and once more when I go to bed) and she is very attached to her milk. I don't want to wean her completely before she's ready - it's such great pain relief (especially for teething which is in full force) and reassurance for her, plus the great health benefits - and especially not for a baby who likely won't happen. Nursing is our cuddle time - other than that, she doesn't have time for hugs or sitting in my lap anymore - and I am reluctant to give it up. Plus it helps me sleep and I'm all in favour of that.

And DH and I need to get along better. Our relationship has been improving and that's good. Infertility took a sledgehammer to our marriage and, honestly, a baby was unexpectedly hard on us. That's not something I like to admit - you'd think that a baby would be the sole answer to an infertile couple's problems - but it is the truth. It has taken a while for our relationship to adjust to another person in the house. I hear that this is normal so that's reassuring to me.

And then there are finances to consider. I don't have a job lined up yet for fall and I probably won't be on a permanent contract if/when I do get a position. DH makes enough for us to get by. I'm ok with a tight budget but DH does not like to live that way. Hm. We'll get by, though, so this is not one of my main concerns.

Ninja also still hates sleep although things have improved in the last 3 months. Let's say I do miraculously have another baby. When would I sleep? I know this sounds trivial in Infertilityland but, as it turns out, it's not. It is hard to parent in a mental fog. I haven't been in a deep sleep in 2 years. This is not a complaint, please note: I am a committed night-time parent and the sleeplessness is worth it for my girl. But in all practicality (is that a word?), bone-wearying fatigue is tough: it makes me a very grouchy, indecisive, and unfunloving wife and mom. Again, though, this isn't my hugest concern: I'd get by.

Lots to consider. In terms of my nursing relationship with Ninja ... well, I guess this is my main worry. I wonder, if the FET doesn't work, could I re-lactate? Maybe I should talk to a LLL leader about it.

Really, I should cut the 10:30 pm feeding. Start there. Offer water. Hug her until she stops crying. Get DH to put her back to bed. I should do it this week while I'm still on spring break.

Then, in a month, drop the morning feeding. She'll be upset for the first few minutes every morning but I can distract her with fruit and cheese.

Then, by the end of May, stop the bedtime nursing. That's going to be the hardest. It's our wind-down time together and it makes her happy. There will be no way to explain to her why she can't have milk anymore. :(

This is hard. I'm past the point of commenting on the unfairness of infertility - we all know that this is unfair but what are we going to do about it? - but maaaaan, I'm choked that other women in my life don't have to stop nursing prematurely just to get pregnant again.