Wednesday, May 18, 2011

things are not good between ninja's mom and dad

A typical evening around here starts off well and we're in good spirits. I pick up Ninja from daycare. We figure out what to make for dinner. We eat. DH bolts his food, clears most of the table, then settles in with his laptop and his TV for the evening.

Ninja and I finish eating, we finish clearing the table, and I start cleaning the kitchen but then I stop because there's too much to do. I have to pack my lunch, pack Ninja's milk and water, find clean outfits, pack clean diapers and covers, and run a load of laundry. Besides, I want to play with my baby so that's what we do for a while. Then I nurse Ninja for 20-30 minutes. Then I brush her teeth, change her diaper, put on her clean jammies, put her toys away, read a few stories to her, ensure that she has her stuffed animals and a drink of water and her portable heater turned on, sing a song, hug her for a few minutes, and put her to bed (which is in of itself a heroic attempt every night), and DH comes in to say prayers with her.

By then DH and I have usually had an argument, usually involving the state of the house (and then the fight drags on after Ninja is in bed) and who does what and who does not as much.

Tonight it was the fact that I wouldn't go buy him chocolate ice cream. I'm philosophically opposed to buying conventional chocolate because a lot of it is produced by slave children in the Ivory Coast. I buy fair-trade and he knows that. I don't tell him he can't buy it. But I won't buy it.

H stormed out to buy his damned ice cream. He accused me of not wanting to do anything for him (which was a total lie because I had planned to go out and had offered to buy him a snack) and told me to get out of his face. I asked if he wanted me to leave and that, if that were the case, Ninja would be coming with me. After he went off on a few tangents, he finally said no.

Why would he want me to do something that he knows is against my conscience?

I don't know him anymore and he sure as hell doesn't know me.

We've had sex twice since Ninja was born.

I spend every evening holed up in my bedroom (like right now).

I'm afraid to say anything to him because everything I do or don't do rubs him the wrong way.

After my miscarriage - for which my EDD is fast approaching - we were on the verge of splitting up. If Ninja hadn't come, I'm sure we would have separated already. Our relationship could not handle prolonged infertility.

Ninja's arrival seemed to bring a new chapter. DH is such a good dad (notwithstanding his addiction to TV and internet) and I fell in love with him all over again.

Now we just fight. There are so many stressors in our lives: prolonged and heavy-duty renovations that I never wanted, new jobs (including his fledgling business that isn't doing so well right now), and a dozen other things. We both want different things and we can never agree on anything anymore.

We'd planned to do FET in April, then in summer, but now it's postponed indefinitely.

Besides the fact that my laptop was broken until yesterday, my reason for not blogging is because things are not good at home.