Hi, hi, hi! (As Ninja would say!)

Hi, I'm still here. A little shame-faced for being away so long, but still around.

Since I last posted, life ran away on me. Mostly in a good way. I'm teaching full-time – I have the summer off but have been working harder at home than I do at school! - and I have a gorgeous and brilliant toddler. Hence, no time. By the time I get everything done, check FB and maybe my e-mails, it's time for bed. Add renewed sleep disorders to that list, plus a grouchy DH, plus a laptop that crashes periodically, and ... well ... not so much time for blogging. I feel bad about this because I missed my bloggy friends.

Fast update because who knows when I'll get back on here:

DH and I are starting to get along better - thanks to you all VERY much for your concern and advice, particularly the advice to just ride it out. DH is essentially grouchy as all get-out because he's got no work right now and he takes it out on me. I'm trying to be patient with that which is hard because my skin is thin.

Plus he wants a super-clean house and homemade desserts which I don't have time for.

Plus I have a manuscript I REALLY want to edit and revise this summer which I don't have time for and that makes me sad.

So we're doing our best to get along. It’s getting better. He’s not the ogre I made him out to be in my last post – he really is a wonderful guy. And, fortunately, we have Ninja who is our amazing super-glue.

Ninja is groovy and great. She weighs almost 27 pounds and she's around 33 inches tall. She is 18 months old now and on-target or ahead of her age on everything, according to the public health nurse. She says at least 30 words and she's starting to use two-word sentences. Both her gross and fine motor skills are good. She's ultra-curious, very observant, and loves to play and laugh and dance and tease. She adores other babies and kids and she's known for hugging random children on the street. If another kid cries, Ninja does, too. Animals and my mother make her scream for joy!

Let's see, what else? Her appetite is insane. She can eat a whole canteloupe within a few hours. She enjoys eating meat, fruit, beans, cheese, bread, and crackers. She doesn't like trying anything new until I pretty much force the issue (licking whipped cream off the beaters, anyone?). She hates vegetables.

Sleep time has gotten much, much better. She naps far better at daycare than she does at home, actually. At daycare she takes one long afternoon nap (like 3 or 4 hours long). At home she sleeps in the morning for 45 minutes and then in the afternoon for around 90 minutes, hit or miss, and that's MUCH better than what it was. At night she sleeps for 10 hours and the 500000 wake-ups every night have dwindled to once or twice. We did have one 3-week stretch of 10-hour-straight nights and OH BOY did I enjoy that! I do not mind night-time parenting - if she needs me, she needs me - but life is easier on a sleep-disordered person to get some good shut-eye.

I have her in swimming lessons this summer and that's going well. She is becoming fearless on both land and water!

Hm, what else?

things are not good between ninja's mom and dad

A typical evening around here starts off well and we're in good spirits. I pick up Ninja from daycare. We figure out what to make for dinner. We eat. DH bolts his food, clears most of the table, then settles in with his laptop and his TV for the evening.

Ninja and I finish eating, we finish clearing the table, and I start cleaning the kitchen but then I stop because there's too much to do. I have to pack my lunch, pack Ninja's milk and water, find clean outfits, pack clean diapers and covers, and run a load of laundry. Besides, I want to play with my baby so that's what we do for a while. Then I nurse Ninja for 20-30 minutes. Then I brush her teeth, change her diaper, put on her clean jammies, put her toys away, read a few stories to her, ensure that she has her stuffed animals and a drink of water and her portable heater turned on, sing a song, hug her for a few minutes, and put her to bed (which is in of itself a heroic attempt every night), and DH comes in to say prayers with her.

By then DH and I have usually had an argument, usually involving the state of the house (and then the fight drags on after Ninja is in bed) and who does what and who does not as much.

Tonight it was the fact that I wouldn't go buy him chocolate ice cream. I'm philosophically opposed to buying conventional chocolate because a lot of it is produced by slave children in the Ivory Coast. I buy fair-trade and he knows that. I don't tell him he can't buy it. But I won't buy it.

H stormed out to buy his damned ice cream. He accused me of not wanting to do anything for him (which was a total lie because I had planned to go out and had offered to buy him a snack) and told me to get out of his face. I asked if he wanted me to leave and that, if that were the case, Ninja would be coming with me. After he went off on a few tangents, he finally said no.

Why would he want me to do something that he knows is against my conscience?

I don't know him anymore and he sure as hell doesn't know me.

We've had sex twice since Ninja was born.

I spend every evening holed up in my bedroom (like right now).

I'm afraid to say anything to him because everything I do or don't do rubs him the wrong way.

After my miscarriage - for which my EDD is fast approaching - we were on the verge of splitting up. If Ninja hadn't come, I'm sure we would have separated already. Our relationship could not handle prolonged infertility.

Ninja's arrival seemed to bring a new chapter. DH is such a good dad (notwithstanding his addiction to TV and internet) and I fell in love with him all over again.

Now we just fight. There are so many stressors in our lives: prolonged and heavy-duty renovations that I never wanted, new jobs (including his fledgling business that isn't doing so well right now), and a dozen other things. We both want different things and we can never agree on anything anymore.

We'd planned to do FET in April, then in summer, but now it's postponed indefinitely.

Besides the fact that my laptop was broken until yesterday, my reason for not blogging is because things are not good at home.

computer woes

I'm still here! My laptop crashed a few weeks ago and so I'm using DH's computer which I HATE because the mouse and keyboard don't function well. Be back soon!

Day 13: Goals

Ok, I'm being lax about this list. Not intentionally, though. DH and Ninja and I are on a working vacation and loving it. Ninja travelled really well and everyone ogles her because she's adorable and she's wearing fabulous shoes. :)

Goals. The big topic.

I'm at a weird place in my life, I think. Oddly, I've met most of my goals already, at the ripe old age of 31 - and I don't know what else to aim for. I got an honours degree in English literature, followed by a B.Ed. I got a master's degree. I've travelled a lot. I have my sought-after daughter and a great husband. Those were the things I wanted.

I don't really know what to want next. I kinda wish that I'd followed a different career path - as much as I do love teaching, it's a love-hate relationship, but c'est la vie. (If I could live life over again, FWIW, I think I would have gone into fashion marketing, publishing, or naturopathic medicine.)

Goals:
-visit the Middle East
-learn French or Spanish
-teach my daughter my native tongue (my mother is helping with this)
-teach abroad and enroll my daughter in a foreign preschool for at least a year
-start a real retirement plan
-deck out my house - I would like to live in a stylish space, not outdated traditional country like most of the homes in our area
-have one more baby
-get a permanent half-time contract
-either move into curriculum development or start a Ph.D.
-get laser surgery on my eyes

Can't think of anything more to add. Nothing, other than having another baby (and retiring comfortably and travelling more...), really lights a fire in me. I need new goals but I can't think of what ... what a strange 'problem' to have.

Day 12: What I believe in

Love. God (or at least something bigger than all of us although I'm fuzzy on details). Really great hole-in-the-wall restaurants. The intense bond between Ninja and me. I believe and know that there is nothing my daughter will be unable to do. Spring. High heels that are impossible to wear but that look great on the shelf. Not wearing socks. Unusual and beautiful singing voices (e.g., Norah Jones, Adele). The right to bare arms in the summer. ;) Dancing although I've never really done this. Red. Growing older and wiser. Eating local and organic. Extended breastfeeding. VOTING. Women's rights. Feminism. Children's rights. I believe that bereaved mothers ARE MOTHERS. My professional autonomy. Greatgreatgreat novels like Angela's Ashes. I am growing to believe in myself, much to my own astonishment. What do you believe in?

Memory

Today we celebrated Easter with my family. This is what I think happened. DH and I were sitting on the floor with Ninja and suddenly she took 2 or 3 steps to me which was the most she'd ever done. My bro and SIL missed it but the rest of us cheered her achievement.

This is what I know happened. Suddenly she just started running between DH and me! No walking for this girl! We all applauded and she was beyond thrilled.

I cried; I was so proud of her. I wasn't in a hurry for her to learn how to walk - she will be into EVERYTHING and our house is a disaster from home renovations - but I really wanted it for her because she has been so desperate to walk. She collapses into a tearful heap if we don't 'walk' with her - holding her hands - when she wants to go.

I'm glad the first real steps happened with DH and me and not at daycare. I was nervous that I'd miss it.

She doesn't yet know how to get herself to standing from sitting (without a prop) but, man, when she does...!

This is my best recollection of what happened. My memory is fuzzy on the first few steps because I was so excited.

Funny how memory works: what we forget and what we don't.

Day 11: Favourite TV shows

Well, Stephen Colbert wants to marry me; he just doesn't know it yet. In terms of political satire, I also like Rick Mercer and Jon Stewart.

Other shows: The Bachelor, Desperate Housewives, The Soup, and The Office.

Currently, I'm watching season 3 of Mad Men on Netflix.

Other all-time favourites: M*A*S*H, Titus (most underrated show of all time), All in the Family, Sex and the City, and The Sopranos.

TV is a great escape. I leaned on it a lot to help me fall asleep when the infertility got really bad, especially during IVF #2.

My TV viewing has fallen to the wayside since Ninja arrived in my life and that's fine with me. Research indicates that kids under the age of 2 shouldn't be exposed to TV and so I try to keep the set off when she's around. I don't tune in to kids' shows at all. I'm not some kind of stickler parent (i.e., 'my kid is not allowed in front of the TV!'); it just doesn't occur to me to turn it on for her. I don't think she's missing out on anything. It's better for her to play. Especially with me.