Day 10: Something I'm afraid of

My #1 fear now is living in poverty when I retire. DH is not a saver and so we live paycheque-to-paycheque. We're not hurting right now - we're both working full-time for the time being - but we don't save. I wish we did. DH's mother is below the poverty line - she's ok but there's no $ for extras - and I don't ever want to live like that.

The old fear (does it even need to be stated?) was never having a child. That anxiety is like nothing else I've ever felt and I don't expect anything else to ever match it.

Except, perhaps, for my fear that something bad will happen to Ninja. I can't live without her.

Or (maybe worse), that something bad will happen to me because how could my dear Ninja ever go on without me? She and I are attached at the soul and she can't even stand it when her daddy picks her up from daycare and she comes home and sees I'm not there yet. She sits by the door and cries until I walk in.

Please, God, don't let anything happen to me.

Day 9: A pic of my friends.

Not to write a boo-hoo post but I don't have many friends and that's been pretty standard in my life. When I was a kid/teen I was too nerdy. Big glasses, dorky clothes, nose in a book ... no one was exactly beating down the door for friendship! I'm still a geek although my style has improved considerably.

The friends I do have are fantastic and I wouldn't trade them for anything. One of my best friends is a guy who is considerably older than I am but we link up on a deep level. Another dear friend is a woman my age - we met while travelling and we've always had a deep connection. I have a few 'mommy' friends - great people and my daughter loves hanging out with their kids. Another good friend is a woman my husband has been friends with for most of his life.

Problem is, no one lives in my area (and I'm not a phone person). :( I spend most of my time with my DH and my daughter which is great and wonderful but I'd love to have some close girlfriends who live in this town. I need some more estrogen in the people around me!

Sometimes I watch reruns of Sex and the City and wonder what it would be like to be so tightly woven into a group of women friends.

Btw: I'm a cross between Charlotte (although I've become less prude-ish, if that's a word) and Carrie (although I'm less clingy than Carrie, I think). Which SATC character are you?

Anyway, thanks for reading, my bloggy friends! :)

Day 8: A place I've travelled to

Can't write today. If I do - and I did try - it'll just turns into a b!tchfest. DH and I aren't getting along plus I had a bad day at work and only got to see Ninja for 2 hours tonight. That's the short of it. Blah.

All I want to do is snuggle up with Ninja and go to sleep but she won't co-sleep: if I'm in the room she just roams around the bed for hours and, if she does fall asleep, she wakes up and screams because she doesn't want to be in bed. Sigh.

A place I've travelled to? Bonker-ville.

Day 7: Favourite movies

I didn't grow up watching movies. Where I lived, there was no cinema and people didn't generally rent movies like they do now.

My parents never rented movies. I recall one instance when my mom did and it was The Princess Bride (of which I am fond). My dad says that he and my mom took me to see The Lady and the Tramp when I was a toddler but I don't remember that.

The first movie I saw in a theatre was Clueless. I LOVE that movie: it's clever and funny.

Other movies I enjoy: Amelie, The Red Violin, Happy Gilmore, Spider-Man, The Piano, Ever After, Lars and the Real Girl, Dan in Real Life, Some Like it Hot, Ocean's 11.

I'm not into movies, though. For the most part, I think films are boring and predictable. A movie's gotta be great in order to hold my attention. And by now, with a 14-month-old, we've started (well, I have, anyway) to tune out the screens. Ninja doesn't need to watch TV; I'd prefer her to play.

Day 6: A picture of something that makes me happy

I've shown this picture before, I believe, for Mel's weekly show & tell. (It's not the exact same pic but you get the idea.) It's worth sharing again. 'Tis the season.

The climate where I live is worse than Siberia (literally - I know people from Siberia and they say our weather is colder and snowier than what they're used to in their homeland!).

We all look forward to spring. When the weather finally eases up, as is happening while I write these words, the tulips begin their annual ritual of bursting through the soil. The green shoots don't push aside last year's dead leaves: they grow right through them.

At first, the tender shoots appear choked by the brown leaves. As the green unfurls, the yesterday's leaf shatters into frail bits and returns to the soil. The tulip's stem and leaves bear pale green marks: reminders of their former ensnared status. For a while, the flower is free.

I don't believe in hope anymore but, when I see these flowers, I can't help but feel joyful.

great post

I came across a great post on the Stirrup Queen's blog.

These lines re: infertility were terrific: "Sticks and stones never hurt my bones. Words did, a little. But taking away my womanhood ruined me."

Day 5: My siblings

I don't want to spend too much time on this topic. Primarily because my youngest brother causes my parents nothing but heartaches. He and his wife are estranged from the family - we weren't invited to their wedding - and we've never met his daughter (who's a toddler already). I think of her every day and I've happened across pictures of her. She looks like me.

My 'middle' brother is a good guy. Married with a precious little girl. We don't see them much, though. They're always so busy. I haven't seen my niece since January which is hard.

Both siblings do not have fertility issues. The youngest bro said at one point that his girlfriend, now wife, had a miscarriage when she was still a teenager. That upset me partly because DH and I were already a year or 2 into infertility. My middle brother's wife had 'trouble' conceiving but, as I've gathered, it took them 6 or 7 months to get pregnant. Um, ok. That doesn't count as 'trouble' to me but whatever.

Every day I try to remember to remind myself that both of my siblings will continue to procreate and that I likely will not. I don't want to be surprised anymore.

Yeah, that's about as far as I want to get into that right now.