Sunday, January 16, 2011

paradise lost? found? misplaced?

Well, surviving infertility and crossing the proverbial finish line did not make for paradise. Nothing to do with Ninja, really, and everything to do with too many changes (i.e., new house, new business, me as a SAHM for now, etc.) all at once.

DH and I are fighting. A lot. We can't seem to be in the same room together without an explosion.

We fight about:
-house renovations - unbeknownst to me, the house we bought 18 months ago needed a completely new basement - DH has gutted it and is redoing it himself - all the while with a new baby, starting a new business, and being away for his job most of the time - I never see him, the house is always a disaster (dust, wood chips, nails everywhere), his apprentices and their girlfriends are in and out, we don't have money for a complete refit, and on top of that he's pissed that I don't offer to help him in that department - he doesn't 'get' that I have my hands full with Ninja and with essential household tasks.
-related to above - the house is always a mess - plus this is my fault apparently because MY JOB should involve all housework plus all baby care (don't get me wrong, he spends tons of time with Ninja but he doesn't do diapers, cutting nails, feeding, etc) - I DO NOT HAVE TIME for anything but making meals, keeping bathroom and kitchen somewhat sanitary, and
washing diapers - I asked him tonight to help me straighten up the disastrous kitchen and he was livid.
-sex - a non-occurrence.
-parenting methods - I'm into attachment- and research-based parenting - he's of the mindset 'my parents did xyz and that's what I'm gonna do, too' - he is into spanking and cry-it-out and I AM NOT - I did not endure infertility and miscarriage and IVF just to hit my baby and ignore her!
-communication (or lack thereof) - he's so into TV that he tunes me out, even when I'm talking about something innocuous like whatever cute thing Ninja did that day - he rarely answers me - grunts - or he changes the subject - I HATE IT.

We are at an impasse. I'm at the point where I've threatened to leave because I feel unwanted, unappreciated, and even unloved.

He says that I'm picking fights with him and that he can't say anything without me freaking out about it.

I say that he's picking fights with me and that I can't say anything without him freaking out about it.

He says we need to sleep in the same bed again. Uh, no. We've been in separate rooms for years because he snores and it keeps me up all night. Plus he hogs the bed so much that I nearly fall out on my side. After a solid year of Ninja being up all night, every night, she's finally sleeping a bit at night and I think I deserve some shut-eye, too.

And I was honest about not wanting to have sex with him. I wanted to all throughout my pregnancy and he didn't - he was afraid of hurting the baby. Now, either he wants to and I don't; or I do and he doesn't. On top of that, I feel so useless, helpless, and unwanted by him that I don't exactly feel sexy.

He'll never finish this kind of discussion, either. He always shuts down and then we have to fight about it again the next day ... and the next ... and the next...

He doesn't realize how our marriage is being harmed. I'm on the verge of losing my feelings for him because I'm so weary of feeling as though I'm not good enough. I've tried to express this to him - gently - but he just shuts down.

I've suggested seeing a counsellor and today, finally, he agreed.

I know he loves me but I think he has forgotten about it.


Ruth said...

I am sorry that this is such a rough time :( It is very challenging to raise a child pretty much by yourself, no matter how desparately you have wanted that child.

I am also there and it sucks. My husband just started school last Sept, while working so he is just not available to help whatsoever. I am responsible for all of the house stuff, taking care of Lily, working two days a week at a preschool, sometimes babysitting on the other days. I am exhausted and I can be sick and still not get help. I just hope there is something left of a relationship by the time he finishes school in two and half years.

loribeth said...

I'm sorry to read that. Sounds like you are both under a lot of stress, for different reasons. Hope the counselling helps!

Michele said...

This isnt going to make it easier, but this is normal. It blows, but it will get better.

It took us MONTHS to get back to some semblence of normal and then, on top of that, we still have our moments. When you are adjusting to your new family, plus coming to terms with whatever brought your there, plus changing your focus from out-of-the-home workers to SAHM/homemaker and breadwinner, it's tough! And sex... That's a whole other story!