Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 10: Something I'm afraid of

My #1 fear now is living in poverty when I retire. DH is not a saver and so we live paycheque-to-paycheque. We're not hurting right now - we're both working full-time for the time being - but we don't save. I wish we did. DH's mother is below the poverty line - she's ok but there's no $ for extras - and I don't ever want to live like that.

The old fear (does it even need to be stated?) was never having a child. That anxiety is like nothing else I've ever felt and I don't expect anything else to ever match it.

Except, perhaps, for my fear that something bad will happen to Ninja. I can't live without her.

Or (maybe worse), that something bad will happen to me because how could my dear Ninja ever go on without me? She and I are attached at the soul and she can't even stand it when her daddy picks her up from daycare and she comes home and sees I'm not there yet. She sits by the door and cries until I walk in.

Please, God, don't let anything happen to me.


Victoria said...

I do think about the poverty stuff, but I fear I won't get pregnant again.

St Elsewhere said...

Hoping that your worst fears never come true.

I will tell you a strange thing though. After Kaiser died, I suddenly feel like that what I was secretly so afraid of came true. It is as if that fear is now gone. The horriblest thing that could have happened and now nothing will go sadder than this.

I still fear that I may not have any more children, but that failure is greatly diluted by the fact that I have lived through something worse, and that I am a mom even if there is no physical entity of the child I have carried.